SUNSHINE AURA – self-esteem. self-love. self-actualization. 

The concept of self-love, and everything that falls underneath its umbrella, has shaped up to be a phenomenon these past few years. Buzz words like “self-care” have entered our everyday conversation. Posts celebrating staying in to binge shows all night and lengthy videos detailing morning & night skin-care routines are abundant. Ads encouraging us to spend tons of money on expensive products all in the name of “self-care” and “self-love” run rampant. Bodysuits to suck it all in, matching sweat sets to get cozy and let it all hang out. Skin products to bring out our natural beauty, Botox to get rid of our lines. We’re sold the idea that we need more to actually love ourselves. Strangely enough, we’re equally sold on the idea that to experience self-love, we need to do less. It’s a confusing dichotomy.

So when is enough, enough? Is there a point where the light of self-love reaches its limit? Where all the things we thought we were doing in the name of self-love are actually harming us?

To experience genuine and fulfilling self-love, we need less and must do more. Self-love is absolutely necessary for survival and happiness, now more than ever. Self-love is the foundation of everything good in your life. It encourages you to take responsibility for yourself and make good choices for your highest well-being. Like knowing when to stop at a party and call an Uber to head home. It helps you develop self-esteem and perseverance, to speak up and be your authentic self, fearlessly. It allows you to set boundaries and invest in relationships that truly bring you joy, because you are able to voice your wants and needs with confidence. Self-love is a beautiful necessity.

So when does self-love go dark? We can justify many an act in the name of “self-love.” You can take it too far when you consistently choose to serve your own wants and needs exclusively over those of others. You might only help others when it serves a purpose of your own. Or, you might do things for others, but not for genuine reasons. Someone may try and set a boundary with you, they might even tell you “no,” and you ignore them. When you approach self-love in this way, there’s no doubt you’re going to jeopardize your relationships and break others’ trust. When it all falls apart, you think you’re burning bridges to protect your inner-sanctum, when in reality you’re just setting the entire village ablaze.

And what about your own trust? Can you break your own trust in the name of self-love? Absolutely. This is most obvious when you use self-care as an excuse to remain safely snug inside your comfort zone. You turn down an invite to a party because you’ll only know two people going. Or, you run away from the chance to audition for a musical you know you’d be amazing in, because you’re afraid to sing in front of an audience. You might even stay home on the couch for fear of going to the gym and being judged as a beginner. You lie to yourself, saying that by staying home and staying safe you are only acting in the interest of “self-care.” It’ll be too stressful to meet new people, to try something new, or to open yourself up to the world. You’re cutting yourself off from your community and other valuable experiences when you choose an artificial version of “self-care” over living your life. (Side note: I, too, am so guilty of this one! It took me many years to develop self-esteem, which I’ll write a post on later!)

And lastly, perhaps one of the darkest arenas self-love might enter is obsession. You might become so obsessed with taking care of yourself that you take it way too far and end up harming yourself. This might look like overdoing it at the gym, extreme dieting and yo-yo dieting, overspending and maxing out your credit cards to satisfy a retail therapy habit or keeping up with the Jones’s, and poring over each and every potential flaw you have to the point you lose your mind. When self-love becomes an obsession, you might end up never leaving the house, broke with an empty bank account, and at your wits’ end trying desperately to be perfectly happy.

Now more than ever, it is vital you practice self-love. Don’t let this post scare you away from it! Just like anything in life, self-love requires balance. A gentle harmony of getting out of your comfort zone and taking a step back to relax when you’re truly tired. It’s knowing when you’ve gone too far and making more responsible choices for yourself. Self-love is cultivating a daily practice just for you and you alone, but also carving out time for loved ones to ask and listen to how their day went, finding compromise with others, and stepping out into the world with confidence. (For quick ideas on how to get started, check out my latest post, 6 Simple Expressions of Self-Love. It’s short and sweet!).

Have you experienced the dark side of self-love, and what did you do to find your way back into the light? Share below in the comments.

With love,

Kayla

p.s. Now that we’ve done a post about the dark side of self-love, keep an eye out next for the light side of self-love! 💖