SUNSHINE AURA – self-esteem. self-love. self-actualization. 

This past week and weekend was full of the normal highs and lows life tends to bring. However, I really noticed a sense of urgency in everything I did. It felt like every single task at work needed to be finished immediately. Every impulse needed to be acted on right away. I felt the need to drive fast, walk fast, think fast, do everything fast. Even the moments where I was trying to just relax, I felt like I needed to be done relaxing and move on to the next thing fast.

I finally stopped and asked myself, “why the urgency?”

I’m also typically a great sleeper. Yet, I found myself tossing and turning, taking forever to even catch a few zzz’s. It was so unlike me. Again, I wondered awake at night, “why the urgency“?

I realized I was letting the pressure of time, ever-present in the back of my mind, rule the day. I was catching myself checking the clock, over and over, seeing how many minutes I’d already used up in my day. I did the math multiple times, trying to calculate how much time I had for each little thing I needed to get done. I even caught myself reflecting over how many years I’ve already lived, what I’ve accomplished in that time, and how quickly I needed to complete everything I still want to do to feel like I have “caught up” to my peers, or where society expects me to be by now.

Reflecting on seemingly lost time is a seductive habit that brings no relief whatsoever. It only brings anxiety, regret, fear, and pressure into our lives. Yet, we cannot help but sometimes get stuck in a rut, checking the time. The time we have spent in the past, the time we have now in the present, and the time we expect to have in the future. But time is an illusion. It’s our most precious resource, but it’s not real. What is real is this exact moment.

I caught myself mulling over the amount of years I’ve really had to do things, and I started keeping score. I counted all the years I could have spent working on my body, or working on my relationships. I counted all the years I could have spent following my passions, instead of chasing down the most logical route. I counted the time I spent doubting myself, where I really could have been confident. I convinced myself that my life would be light years better now if only I hadn’t wasted so much time. And I made the mistake of actually allowing myself to feel bad about it all. To be duped into believing I had lost all those years.

What I failed to do was recognize I was a different person in the past. My challenges were not the same as they are now. My joys and passions were different. The life-knowledge and skills I had were nowhere near what I have now. And most importantly, I was doing important things during those years. I was making mistakes and learning how to fix them. I was understanding the importance of growing up and growing into myself. I was molding myself from clay into the person I hoped to become. I was growing up.

Delving into a past reflection spiral is dangerous. You can judge your past self for things you did or didn’t do, completely ignoring the fact that you may not even remember why you made those choices, or how you felt, specifically in that moment. You can trick yourself into believing you had the same opportunities as you do now, the same drive, and that is simply untrue. You can convince yourself you have lost time, when really you were just doing the best you could and it led you to where you are today.

Reflecting on the past can be a beautiful thing. You have so many memories with your friends, your family, yourself, that are worth remembering. There were so many times you were ready to give up, but you tried just one more time, and it worked out for you. Times you tried something new and were surprised to learn you loved it — or, surprised to learn it was not for you. You have overcome challenges and learned lessons the hard way. You have many things to be grateful for from your past.

But the past can also be harmful if you make it better than it was. If you approach the past with the lens of who you are now, you might forget to appreciate you were only doing the best you could. The only moment you have is right now, this very second you are spending reading these words. It’s easier said than done: let the past go. Focus on what you can do now. Let any regrets of “I should have said/did this“, go. Allow reflections on your past and how they make you feel be a guide into what direction you should go now in the present. Don’t allow the past to be a place you visit to feel shame. To re-live past traumas. To cry into your pillow, wishing you could get that time back.

Go confidently forward. Live today and know that you can make new choices right now. Let the past be an old friend, a guide. The path of life only goes one way: forward. You might be able to see a few miles behind you, and a few miles ahead, but it is best enjoyed if you keep your focus on where you walk, right now. Look at the beauty on either side of you. Feel the sun, warm on your face. And be grateful for your feet, grounded to the earth.

With love,

Kayla