SUNSHINE AURA – self-esteem. self-love. self-actualization. 

I guess it’s been a while since I’ve really looked within.

Spending all my time hustling towards the goal.

Never pausing, never letting silence grow louder than my thoughts.

Maybe I’ve been afraid of what would come up?

When your mind is quiet, it can suddenly roar to life —

Insecurities, regrets, anxieties, wonderings, they all resurrect.

I’ve outrun them this long on the race to the goal…

Yet here they come as I settle into the routine of living post-goal.

Let’s just be honest: I haven’t had to face these feelings in forever.

And I really never conquered the insecurity and grief.

I just masked them under hard work, little sleep, and hustle.

I don’t know how to reconcile this and I’m afraid.

Things I had thought I’d outgrown — it looks like I’d just outrun them instead.

Clutching my body in the mirror, wondering how long it’s been

Since my inner voice whispered “I love you.”

Feeling abandoned and left behind to fend for myself

How long has it been since I felt that pain — a few years?

Anxious that my existence in and of itself could cause me pain

A ridiculous notion I haven’t pondered since hundreds of nights ago, maybe thousands.

Yet, in between it all I’m learning to listen and to heal:

Two things I never tried before, because I was afriad.

To allow the quiet to become so overwhelming it must be answered

And to look in the mirror with a smile and gentle hands and words.

To know that to be left behind is sometimes the greatest gift to run ahead.

Within it all I am also reminded of the awakening just before the quest began,

The eye-opening, the strength that rose at that crucial moment,

With a requirement of unwavering belief that anything was possible.

And I’m hopeful to rekindle that resolve.