SUNSHINE AURA – self-esteem. self-love. self-actualization. 

Sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to just start over. Completely. Like when I get this deep ache in my chest and my heart feels like it just cannot take where I am. And then I spiral, thinking about all the major things from my past that shaped where I am now. Cheesy quotes come to mind. Like “yeah, but everything that happened to you shaped who you are today,” and “I should be thankful for the lessons it all taught me.” But then I just feel a little angry. Sure, those events and traumas really did shape me into who I am today, but was it really worth it? The nights of crying myself to sleep and agony over what to do just to survive mentally and emotionally, even financially when it was a short month. The years of feeling so insecure and not loving myself. Not putting myself out there for fear of rejection or embarrassment, or just the pain of losing another thing or a person. I snap back to the present and just cannot help but wish things had been different. Then I wonder: can I just start completely over, now? After all this time, finally having my life back. Can I start from here? Can this just be point zero? Is it possible to just clear the slate and for my heart to just sweep away everything it has been through so it can be open and vulnerable, just like it was before I was so hurt? Should I even want to start over? So many questions swirling. The ache in my chest travels down to a pit in my stomach. Fear sets back in, too. Would starting over right now, in this moment, in this instant, would that make it any different? Would I truly move forward with a new lease on life and on me and on what I am capable of? Or would I fall into the same patterns, whether by choice, or not? I wish I knew the answer. Sometimes I think we’re all just doing our best and nobody truly has “The Answer.” Maybe “The Answer” does not even exist. All I know is that I do wish things could have been different. Not everything, but the major, key things. I want to believe in the possibility of starting over right now. I truly do. It feels like it’s taken years to finally be myself again, after being cut down into the smallest pieces. And now that I’m here, I want to reclaim what it feels like I’ve lost. I can’t help but find myself blaming others in my orbit for holding me back or making things the way they were. Perhaps to a point they did, but I know I need to accept that in the end, I have choices and agency over my own life. Even though I was young and forced to become resilient and independent long before I was ready, I still had choices. They led me to where I am now. It’s not that I am unhappy. I think it’s just that I have things I wish were different, things I’d like to do over or try again at, or change. And maybe it’s only human to wish for such things as starting over when you’re already a quarter of the way in. But I cannot deny that’s what my heart wants: to just start over. To try again. To get it right this time. To expand and to be fearless.

Maybe I’m not the only one who feels this way.