SUNSHINE AURA – self-esteem. self-love. self-actualization. 

All I’ve ever wanted was to be worthy.

As a child, running after my peers and my older sister and her friends.

As a teenager, running after my father and boys who would never love me.

As an adult, running after imaginary fame and fortune and an unrealistic future.

It feels like being punched in the gut —

Finally recognizing the word that describes what I’ve chased after

What I’ve sought after with the determination of a titan,

Only attaining the failure of a misguided foal without proper footing.

Where did this idea of being worthy even come from?

Did I owe a debt in a past life and it followed me into the next?

Or am I just unable to settle for being ordinary and without acclaim?

I’m not so sure it’s even the need to be seen and heard and remembered.

It’s more like an emptiness in my heart that’s only full sometimes

Like after I stand up for a loved one or am accepted into a group

Or when I make someone feel safe and protected.

This need to be worthy has evolved over time.

What started as being invited to a birthday party

Has turned into a fear of being ordinary and a need to be loved

To be accepted and to be seen as a warrior, a hero.

This complex must have grown in me from somewhere.

And I’m embarrassed to admit it, that I need to feel worthy.

Worthy of love

Worthy of friendship

Worthy of praise

Worth of happiness

Worthy of stature and success

Worthy of acceptance

Worthy of the hammer and the shield.